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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Slinky - Your Worm Buddy for Accelerated Weight Lose!

There's got to be a better way to lose weight. How often have we all said "I wish I could just take a pill and get thin"? Hmmm.... that gets me thinking about a news program I saw recently about tape worms as a way to lose weight. If this was promoted by infomercial it might go something like this...

Slinky-Your Worm-Buddy for Accelerated Weight Loss
(Black screen. Voice-Over)
Yes, you too can waste away to nothing right in the comfort of your own home! That’s right no more being taunted with "Fatty, fatty two-by-four, can’t get through the bathroom door!" No more getting out of breath bending over to pick up that tasty morsel that fell out of your 3rd chin!
Don’t like to sweat? No problem!
Hate veggies? We do too!
Like Slinkys? So do we!
Stay tuned to learn about a revolutionary way to take weight off quickly, effortlessly and expensively!

“Hi I’m Barb Buttroski and I’d like to introduce you to my little friend Slinky. No, we’re not talkin’ about the toy. He’s so much better - he’s your real, live, worm-buddy here to help you reach your weight loss goals.
I’m so excited to have with me today the world renounced Dr. Dave.
Dr. Dave, I have here a copy of your latest weight loss book, entitled ‘Slinky - Your Worm-Buddy for Accelerated Weight Loss’. Can you tell our audience about it?
“Hi Barb. Sure. This book has been years in the making and I think it’s my best yet. It’s definitely better than any other weight loss hype out there.
“Dr. Dave, what makes Slinky so special?
“Several things Barb. For one thing, most diet programs advertise totally unrealistic claims. None of us ever end up looking like those hard-bodied babes - even if we do lose weight. My system doesn’t claim you’ll look amazing only to have you feeling frustrated and let down later.
“But Dr. Dave, everyone wants to look good.
“That’s just it Barb. There’s a new standard of beauty that’s sweeping the nation because of my book. Maybe you can't have 6-pack abs and tons of energy - but you can become emaciated.
“Huh?
“You know-wane, pale, frail, limp, anorexic.
“Oh Dr. Dave, that sounds lovely-but don’t tell me we have to starve ourselves!
“On the contrary Barb. Now you can get that sexy malnourished look by eating as much as you want-the more the merrier-as long as
“Oh, boy, I knew there’d be a catch. (winks at audience) As long as we do what?
“As long as you keep your Slinky Buddy with you at all times. (Chuckle, Chuckle) And that won’t be hard to do.
“In my experience, any diet plan is hard to stick to after a while.
“Not to worry. In this case, your diet buddy sticks to you-and won’t let go!
“Wow! Incredible. How is this possible, Dr. Dave?
“It’s really quite simple Barb. You swallow one pill, and then eat as much as you want-for as long as you want!
“How does one tiny pill enable me to eat all I want and not get fatter?
“Thinner, Barb. You’ll get thinner. You see, this isn't an ordinary pill. Your Slinky Worm Buddy starts out very small, encapsulated in a bovine cyst which you swallow. And within 3 months it grows to over three feet long! Nestled nice and snug in your intestines, Slinky gobbles up everything you eat.
(Collective gasp from the audience)
“It’s true! Mine craves peanut-butter-banana sandwiches! I call him Elvis. Barb pats her tummy.
"And Barb, the best part is - he’s always hungry. And it’s YOUR job to feed him. That’s right a guilt-free feeding frenzy!
“I think you’ve shocked some of our audience Dr. Dave. But let’s go to the phones for some Q-and-A.
Ruby in North Carolina-what’s your question?
“Oh Barb! I just love your show! Kisses and hugs to little Bubba. Is he 3 or 4 now? You really should bring him on the show again, he is just sooooooo cute!
"Why thank you Ruby! Did you have a question for Dr. Dave?"
"Oh - yes. Dr. Dave, I just tuned in, but I think I musta heard you wrong. WORM is a an-anach- one of those letter combination thingys that stand for somethin' else, right? Oh, oh - let me guess! Weight Off Right Movement or Was Overweight Recently-
“Thanks for calling Ruby. WORM is just like it sounds. But don't worry-it's not that bad. We’ll take a few more calls and then after the break Barb will give her testimonial!
“Donna in Denver-you’re on the air.
“Yes, Dr. Dave. I hear you repeatedly using the masculine pronouns "he",him", etc. You chauvinistic pig! Isn’t it possible the worms are female?
“Er-ah-
“Al-righty then-who’s next?
Juan from Miami, what's your question?"
"J-e-s, Dr. Dave would you recommend a tequila chaser with that?"
(Laughs) "Well, personally Juan, I prefer root beer, but to each his own."
"Next caller - Moon Beam from Oceanside, you're on the air with Dr. Dave.
“Yeah. Dude. So - right. I mean, if the worms are eating all the time, where do they take a d-
“I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for calls. Let’s take a break. Operators are standing by to take your order now!

(Voice over)
Operators are standing by now to take your order for the Slinky Two-Part Weight Loss System. If you act within the next 5 minutes, you’ll get your very own ingestible Slinky Tape Worm, along with Dr. Dave’s companion guide - "Slinky - Your Worm-Buddy for Accelerated Weight Loss" to lead you to weight loss success. Your credit card will be billed only 4 installments of 799.99 each!
But wait! That’s not all. For a limited time we’ll throw in Dr. Dave’s Maraschino Cherry-JalapeƱo Blast Enema Cleanse to use when the parasite infestation becomes life threatening! Similar offers have sold elsewhere for thousands more - but we’ll do even better! If you’re on the phone lines now, we’ll slash 2 payments off! So don’t delay. Order your very own "Slinky" today!

“Welcome back everyone. Well Dr. Dave, I’m just so excited. I’m living proof that tape worms really work. Although I have a-ways to go before I get that coveted dark-circles-under-the-eyes, white-lipped, rail-thin-snap-my-bones-like-a-twig look, I’m noticing big changes."
“That’s right Barb. Stand side ways here so the audience can see. Your butt is only half as big as it was a couple months ago.
“Yes, all my friends keep begging me to tell them what I'm doing. But I've kept it a secret until now! You can't truly appreciate it though until you try it. My producer says we can't do a reenactment - but what the heck- it’s my show!
Since we can’t start small and do time-lapse photography, I’ve brought a grown Slinky Buddy Tape Worm to demonstrate. Phil- zoom in on this sucker will ya? Ain't he cute? He's almost as tall as me! Let's get a volunteer from the audience. Anyone? Come on folks-don’t be shy! Yes, honey, you in the front row. Dr. Dave, help her out of her seat. That’s right-ooh she’s a slippery one ain’t she?
(Barb touches her ear piece and frowns) What? But I was just gonna-I know it’s a half hour show!
Well folks it looks like we’ve run out of time. I’d like to thank our special guest Dr. Dave for being with us. But before we go, Dr. Dave, tell our audience what they'll get as a special gift with their order today.
“Just for being in the audience today, when you buy one Slinky Worm Buddy, you’ll get a second one free to infest a loved one!
“Amazing! You’ve done it again Dr. Dave. Give him a hand everybody! You folks at home, don’t forget to call the toll free number on the screen 1-800-555-WORM. Operators are standing by.
Good-bye y’all.

(Voice over- low rapid voice, screams in the background)
Use-only-as-directed-not-approved-by-the-FDA-common-symptoms-include-feeling-of-fullness- increased-appetite-decreased-appetite-abdominal-pain-constipation-diarrhea-vomiting-seizures- dementia-spontaneous-weird-things-shooting-out-of-the-anal-sphincter. Do-not-use-if-you-are-pregnant-as-you-already-have-a-large-parasite.
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Whew! I think I'll pass on the whole tape worm thing. On second thought - exercise is looking pretty good right about now!
;-) Selma Blogbeck

1 comment:

  1. You should submit this to Saturday Night Live!as a possible sketch. Welcome to the group. By the way, there was actually a diet company that was selling tape worms inside their diet pills. Advertised as all natural. I've forgotten how they got busted. http://themedicaremom.blogspot.com

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