Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Emperor's New Clothes – Fact vs. Fiction (Installment 2 of "Fat Fairy Tales")

As the president of S.E.N.S.A. (The Society for Ethical Negation of Stupid Allegations) I feel it

incumbent upon me to right a tragic wrong that is long overdue.  The Emperor suffered a severe

blow to his reputation from which he was never able to recover.  As representatives of the

family, S.E.N.S.A. has undertaken an investigation that has spanned centuries.  We are happy to

report our findings, and finally clear the good name of this much maligned ruler, posthumously,

for the benefit of his family.

Myth 1:  The Emperor was extremely vain and overly conscience of his clothes and appearance.

Fact:  Although the Emperor did indeed dress in very fine attire, including fur trimmed robes

made from the finest purple cloth; this was not his personal wish.  It was more a matter of peer

pressure stemming from what the other monarchs of the time were wearing.  We believe the

spread of this falsehood could have also been the result of confusion on the part of his

biographer, H.C. Anderson.  Anderson published the emperor’s biography the same time as the

Little Mermaid’s.  Miss Mermaid herself was not able to wear anything other than green scales

on her lower extremities; abandoned mollusk shells to cover her top; and sea weed to adorn her

hair – resulting in an intense jealousy of the emperor’s finery.  It was likely she who started the

vicious rumors of the emperor’s conceit.

Myth 2:  Two con men posed as tailors who weaved a supposedly invisible suit of clothing for

the emperor.

Lies!  All Lies! 

Fact: The two individuals, who craftily deceived the emperor and won his trust, were in fact men

(or women, we’re not quite sure) who posed as physicians who claimed to be experts in weight

loss (in reality they only played one on stage).

Hence, it was not invisible cloth they were peddling, but a magical elixir to be sprinkled on the

emperor’s food for the purpose of “reshaping the royal waistline”.  

Myth 3:  The emperor was stupid enough to believe these exaggerated claims.

Fact:  We prefer to say the emperor was naïve.  After all, it could happen to any one of us.  Take

a look at some of the testimony regarding the product:

One peasant woman said:  “Since I started using the magical elixir, I’ve begun running
 around the chicken coup 20 times a day and eating less spoiled meat and more rotten

A nobleman reported this experience:  “I would only eat half of the wild boar, and still
leave the table full.”

History’s portrayal of the so-called charlatan’s may also be a bit harsh.  To be fair, the magic

elixir claimed to work by being scent based.  The exact ingredients were a closely guarded secret

(there were no patents or food label laws back then); but crude drawings seem to depict hog

manure as the main ingredient.  I don’t know about you, but if I sprinkled hog manure on my

food, I'm pretty sure I'd would eat less too.  I might even stop eating before the first bite – wait – is

that pizza?

Myth 4:  The emperor paraded through the streets in his birthday suit.

Fact:  This is the most damning and hotly debated accusation of all.  While we have not been able to

find any conclusive evidence to the contrary; we urge everyone to keep an open mind.  After all,

anyone who has struggled with weight issues knows what it’s like to look in the closet and find

nothing to wear.  Before you cast the first stone, I ask you to remember how many times you

yourself may have looked in the mirror before disgustedly throwing up your hands  and saying,

 “Nothing fits!  I can’t get these jeans past my hips so I’ll just go naked!”

Another historical reference that seems to support the family’s claim that their beloved ancestor
was not completely naked is the assertion that he may just have been ahead of his time in starting a

fashion trend that many older man still sport today:  Wearing black socks with absolutely everything,

including sandles and shorts.

In conclusion, we at S.E.N.S.A. are happy to set the record straight.  May the Emperor finally
rest in peace.

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