As the president of S.E.N.S.A. (The Society for
Ethical Negation of Stupid Allegations) I feel it
incumbent upon me to right a tragic wrong that is
long overdue. The Emperor suffered a
severe
blow to his reputation from which he was never
able to recover. As representatives
of the
family, S.E.N.S.A. has undertaken an investigation
that has spanned centuries. We are happy
to
report our findings, and finally clear the good name
of this much maligned ruler, posthumously,
for the benefit of his family.
Myth
1: The Emperor was extremely vain and overly
conscience of his clothes and appearance.
Fact: Although the Emperor did indeed dress in very
fine attire, including fur trimmed robes
made from the finest purple cloth; this was not his
personal wish. It was more a matter of
peer
pressure stemming from what the other monarchs of
the time were wearing. We believe the
spread of this falsehood could have also been the
result of confusion on the part of his
biographer, H.C. Anderson. Anderson published the emperor’s biography
the same time as the
Little Mermaid’s.
Miss Mermaid herself was not able to wear anything other than green
scales
on her lower extremities; abandoned mollusk shells
to cover her top; and sea weed to adorn her
hair – resulting in an intense jealousy of the
emperor’s finery. It was likely she who
started the
Myth
2: Two con men posed as tailors who weaved a
supposedly invisible suit of clothing for
the emperor.
Lies! All
Lies!
Fact:
The two individuals, who craftily deceived the emperor and won his trust, were
in fact men
(or women, we’re not quite sure) who posed as
physicians who claimed to be experts in weight
loss (in reality they only played one on stage).
Hence, it was not invisible cloth they were
peddling, but a magical elixir to be sprinkled on the
emperor’s food for the purpose of “reshaping the
royal waistline”.
Myth
3: The emperor was stupid enough to believe these
exaggerated claims.
Fact: We prefer to say the emperor was naïve. After all, it could happen to any one of
us. Take
a look at some of the testimony regarding the
product:
One peasant woman
said: “Since I started using the magical
elixir, I’ve begun running
around the chicken coup 20 times a day and
eating less spoiled meat and more rotten
cabbage.”
A nobleman reported
this experience: “I would only eat half
of the wild boar, and still
leave the table full.”
History’s portrayal of the so-called charlatan’s may
also be a bit harsh. To be fair, the
magic
elixir claimed to work by being scent based. The exact ingredients were a closely guarded
secret
(there were no patents or food label laws back
then); but crude drawings seem to depict hog
manure as the main ingredient. I don’t know about you, but if I sprinkled
hog manure on my
food, I'm pretty sure I'd would eat less too. I might even stop eating before the first
bite – wait – is
that pizza?
that pizza?
Myth
4: The emperor paraded through the streets in
his birthday suit.
Fact: This is the most damning and hotly debated
accusation of all. While we have not been
able to
find any conclusive evidence to the contrary; we
urge everyone to keep an open mind.
After all,
anyone who has struggled with weight issues knows
what it’s like to look in the closet and find
nothing to wear.
Before you cast the first stone, I ask you to remember how many times
you
yourself may have looked in the mirror before disgustedly throwing up your hands and saying,
“Nothing fits! I can’t get these jeans past my hips so I’ll just go naked!”
“Nothing fits! I can’t get these jeans past my hips so I’ll just go naked!”
Another historical reference that seems to support
the family’s claim that their beloved ancestor
was not completely naked is the assertion that he
may just have been ahead of his time in starting a fashion trend that many older man still sport today: Wearing black socks with absolutely everything,
including sandles and shorts.
In conclusion, we at S.E.N.S.A. are happy to set the
record straight. May the Emperor finally
rest in peace.
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